is there someone for me to love

.....where?

how can I explain the pain
how can they understand
they won’t
they cant

the lies continue
the deceptions remarkable
does this hurt them
as much as it’s

……….killing me inside

as I fall from grace
my soul disappears

my body to dust

no one would care….

………‘cause they don’t care now…..

I can't help but sit here at 2 a.m. on a Sunday morning and wonder why the hell I am doing just that?

Here I am...single, and I'm sitting at home in front of a damn computer writing in my blog.

WTF is wrong with this picture??

Everyone says "don't give up...don't stop looking...there is someone out there for you..."

...as each day goes by

..I'm doubting that more and more....


I'm sick of being alone

I stand on the edge of this great chasm
looking backward towards those I have left behind
those that have turned their backs on me
I kneel down and let the sand sift through
my fingers

throwing it to the wind
never looking back
at those who abandoned me
and never looking forward at those who will

I look down
and see a chasm of darkness

where my heart has taken refuge
its there I will escape

Stands Still

Time stands still when you cant breathe
I’d see your face
And my world would stop
You and you alone are all I need

Blueness of your eyes smile when they see me
The smile upon your face glows with every word you speak
Have you ever wanted someone so achingly that you crave just the sound of their voice
Their smile melts you into a thousand pieces

Time has started again
Reality has taken over

The love that was
Never was in the first place
And time really never did stand still to begin with

here is where i am

but where is here

it's not where i want to be

you cannot see me

you are way too loud

dark

light

cold

alone

that's where i am
in here
right here

can you not see??
do you not care??

of course you don't know
i know
i know
you don't

you lost your feelings
in your dark place
evil place

never get them back
i will not
my number is up
i am down way far can you not see?

why???

This instant

This moment


Does it matter?

Really?

Maybe it does…

Time will tell

Oh slowly it goes

With dragging moments

Without

Waiting

Wanting

Wondering

How soon will I know?

When waiting for time

Will stop


"Time"
©2005 DLF

Broken heart...broken dreams

Closed....
a cage is constructed...
cold blue steel wound tightly around...
locked
never to be opened
key of gold....
tarnished and old
hiden away for
none to see
it weaves its way around and behind
my broken heart
and broken dreams

this cage
of cold blue steel
will
forever
be locked
and closed to all

Take My Pain Away...

Gone....thats all i want..
to go..to go away...to fade
into the distant sun
Take my pain away...
remove it swiftly from my soul...
make me forget it was ever there...

take my pain away...
cut it out of my heart and
throw it far out to the stars.....

take my pain away
remove it
numb it
kill it
...please

From day one,
Your eyes pierced my soul.
I’ve always wanted you,
I just didn’t know.

Now I am starting to see more clearly,
I’m starting to see the light.
And now because of you,
I stay up at night.

I was starting to question
What was really there.
But now I have realized,
You will never care.

I have always been there waiting,
Just waiting for you.
Now look at where it got me,
And what it has put me through.

I know that one of these days,
I will see,
That you are not what I want,
And you are not what I need.

No matter what,
I will be there till the end.
And I know you will be too,
But only as my friend.

Now I have to let go,
Although it makes me sad.
But how can I give up
Something I never had?

The poems I have posted today are some of the ones I have written in the last year or so...I have more, but will post them over time.

Most of my work speaks of loss, of loneliness and of the pain of not knowing love or compassion or even caring.

I have lived my life alone for a very long time and it takes a toll on who I am..my soul.

I thought I would be able to write more uplifting, loving, even romantic works as of late, but that dream, as all my dreams eventually do, come crashing down to the earth in a loud, dead thump.

Tears fall like rain........

now i know there's no hope----

you don't even know the pain i feel
when i start to question what is real
i know you're the cause
my lust for you gnaws
its way, through my brain
and i'm here, alone standing
by myself, with tears of understanding
rolling down my cheeks

now i know my bended
heart won't be mended
by your love....
no longer will i cry
or ask for help from up above
i don't blame thee
i blame myself for my insecurities

this time i'm really confused
about what i should do
i have this fear of never being satisfied
i can't find stable happiness,
i've tried and tried
this isn't easy,
i'm the butt of my own joke
i want some affection, this is all i hope

now i know my bended
heart won't be mended
by your love....
no longer will i cry
or ask for help from up above
and i'll live my life until i die
wondering if i'll ever be satisfied
it's not easy being the butt of your own joke
i want some affection, this is all i hope

no more
Hanging from a rope, I see a person.
There eyes just staring at me.
I looked closer and found note.
The note said, the world is a big screwed up place.
I came to thinking that this statement was true.
I looked up closer to the body and realized
The person hanging there was me.
I stood and stared for hours not knowing
If it was true, had I really killed myself?
Or is this a big dream. After not ever waking
Up I knew that it was real, I had killed myself.

Hope

The silence is really deafening
No more laughter
No soft voices speaking to me
No whispers in my ear
No more spoken promises of tomorrow

Its my sanity that I question sometimes and wonder what to do with my life now
I am just tired of reaching that pinnacle of the mountain, only to fall back down with a thud
to the bottom again..

Are my thoughts laughing at me for failing again?
Am I to ignore them and try again?
They tell me to stay away
To not take anymore chances again...
To learn to like life with the silence
To learn to love the solitude of my existance

But deep down, beyond the laughing and doubting sounds of my soul
There is one tiny voice
It calls to the others
Stop....
One more chance
It will be better next time

The others listen
Then they slowly
Methodically....

Snuff the life out of the voice of hope

Dark Silence

The silence surrounds me in its peace and tranquility

I close my eyes and it becomes part of me

Breathing in its splendor

I wait for it to take me

To hold me in its arms and caress my soul

Is this what is to become of my life?

To live in stillness and solitude?

Its dark shroud closing in like a casket lid over my soul

Forever holding me in its arms

Almost suffocating me in its shadows

Blackness surrounds me…………..

poison touch

my touch is all i have

my words are all i know

are they poison to your soul?

are they a sickness you hide away from?

they doom me to a life of solitude

to be as a leper among all around me

have I destined myself to be a souless creature

that does not deserve the passion of another soul?

deeper i walk into the vast darkness of my heart

forgetting what light lies behind me

seeking the refuge of a corner

in my own personal hell

Tossed aside

To live each day
being tossed aside

like nothing

feeling as though all you do is for naught

being yourself doesn’t count

being kind doesn’t count

treating everyone as a friend doesn’t count

shall I just blend into the background so

i become how I feel

invisible to everyone

all i want is what everyone else has

someone who loves them

someone who misses them

someone who cares no matter

someone who wants to be by your side

.... im not a disposable person

Sometimes I hear there is someone for everyone
I just can't see that to be true


I always feel as though I'm the only person around who doesnt have someone out there

I wake up every morning feeling as thought my life is slipping away from me, day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment

I realized the hard reality of the facts

I am alone

I will be alone

I have given up on ever finding my "someone"

Sometimes tears of hurt, rage and loneliness fall down my weary face and hit the floor like hard stones

I look around and see everyone who has someone and wonder what its like to feel whole

The void in my life has and will be black and empty

Silence is what fills it

Loneliness is what feeds is

over looked

whats it feel like to be overlooked

invisible

alone

forgotten about

Am I worth it

or am I not

Playing the part with a smile

inside im dying

to bad you will never know

the real me

for now I'm lost to you

passed by

left back

thrown out the window

like yesterdays news

did you even care to look one time

or was I just as invisible to you as I feel inside

wandering to the darkness is how I seek solice from your eyes

dark...cold....

...alone

mundane......

I breathe out....

I breathe in.......

every moment of every day

Same thing....all day...all night

Mundane....boring.....

the things of my life have become just that

one day to the next and nothing changes

when will things change...

when can I break free from this monotonous existance I dwell in everyday

the light at the end of my tunnel grows dimmer with each passing second

I reach for it

it moves farther away

fading

dimming......

extinguished

words to think about...........

Where are you this moment?
Only in my dreams.
You're missing, but you're always
A heartbeat from me.
I'm lost now without you,
I don't know where you are.
I keep watching, I keep hoping,
But time keeps us apart


If I Could Be Where You Are

Enya

Never again will I speak out

quiet I shall remain...

an enigma wrapped in a mystery

shrouded in pain

closing the damaged walls around me

shutting the windows of the soul

latching the locks which hold my essence

what lies within is old and cold

could it be I'm really dying

or just hidden behind a smile

faux feelings are showing

real ones are tossed out

trying to be what you want me to be

the skin thickens and is not so sheer

deeply the hurt hides

and the pain subsides

and no one will ever be allowed to know

deeper...farther....

i turn inside

so no one can see who I really am

wishes of invisibility to



...all

I have been writing for some bit now...mostly poetry. I decided that I wanted to put it all in one place...to be able to showcase it all together. This page is that effort.

Most of my work started out being an outlet for my anger and the end work shows that...I recently wrote a poem that was a bit of a change from my usual writings.

I have had a some emotional times as of late and I'm sure for the next week or so, maybe longer, it will surface in my writings.

Bear with me...I'm a work in progress