Sitting here at 230a on a Tuesday morning wondering where my life has gone. I know I am lucky to have what I have however, I am tired of being in such a funk all the time. I'm tired of being broke, I'm tired of feeling as though my life has passed me by and mostly I'm tired of feeling oh so very alone. I know....I'm being a huge whiner...but damn.....


Like right now, my car  is acting up...needs a tune up...I can buy the parts but I have no one to help me...no one to turn to when I need help for anything. I'm literally 100% alone in my life. I try to make friends and it turns out badly every time.  
I am falling back into my depression again....I don't care about much anymore....I just wish I had one hand to reach out and help me...to pull me out of this pit of nothingness that I fell into so long ago. 

Give me something to smile about....something to care about.....


I hate my pathetic life right now....... please show me the way back

“There is an ache in my heart for the imagined beauty of a life I haven't had, from which I had been locked out, and it never goes away.”
― Robert Goolrick, The End of the World as We Know It: Scenes from a Life

Waking up this morning
all I saw was the same ceiling...
the same empty bed..
the same view...
lifeless and cold
I'm so tired of waking up everyday
know that all I have left to look forward to is emptiness
and
another day closer to death


to live without love 
is to be dead...and still breathing....
a meaningless way to be


empty promises
lost dreams
what did I do so wrong to the world to deserve this?


I wish I could find out...


cause living like this is pointless...

Time fails us all in the end..
some sooner
some later..
I would prefer sooner..
Is that wrong?
When life holds no passion...
or love


its worthless
is it wrong?


not for me.....

Blackness surrounds my vision.....
closing slowly and deleting my world


when will the pain end....


soon
I hope.... 

When I woke up today, I was greeted with some news that, again was hard to take. Even though it was happy news, I felt deep sadness. This is what I wanted for myself....so badly. A few years back, I felt so happy and now....well the polar opposite. Even thinking about how I felt with this person in my life and the disappointment that it wasn't reciprocated, fills me with despondency more then anyone can know.  Its hard to accept something that you wished for...the days seem a bit darker. I ponder if this will ever lift....the black fog that seems to hover ominously over my life.

After finding this blog again, I decided I needed to possibly start writing again. It's been a silent 5-6 years since I have touched this keyboard and felt like doing some outward thinking. I haven't quite set pen to paper yet, but I'm sure it will be like riding the proverbial bike.