Sitting here at 230a on a Tuesday morning wondering where my life has gone. I know I am lucky to have what I have however, I am tired of being in such a funk all the time. I'm tired of being broke, I'm tired of feeling as though my life has passed me by and mostly I'm tired of feeling oh so very alone. I know....I'm being a huge whiner...but damn.....


Like right now, my car  is acting up...needs a tune up...I can buy the parts but I have no one to help me...no one to turn to when I need help for anything. I'm literally 100% alone in my life. I try to make friends and it turns out badly every time.  
I am falling back into my depression again....I don't care about much anymore....I just wish I had one hand to reach out and help me...to pull me out of this pit of nothingness that I fell into so long ago. 

Give me something to smile about....something to care about.....


I hate my pathetic life right now....... please show me the way back

“There is an ache in my heart for the imagined beauty of a life I haven't had, from which I had been locked out, and it never goes away.”
― Robert Goolrick, The End of the World as We Know It: Scenes from a Life

Waking up this morning
all I saw was the same ceiling...
the same empty bed..
the same view...
lifeless and cold
I'm so tired of waking up everyday
know that all I have left to look forward to is emptiness
and
another day closer to death


to live without love 
is to be dead...and still breathing....
a meaningless way to be


empty promises
lost dreams
what did I do so wrong to the world to deserve this?


I wish I could find out...


cause living like this is pointless...

Time fails us all in the end..
some sooner
some later..
I would prefer sooner..
Is that wrong?
When life holds no passion...
or love


its worthless
is it wrong?


not for me.....

Blackness surrounds my vision.....
closing slowly and deleting my world


when will the pain end....


soon
I hope.... 

When I woke up today, I was greeted with some news that, again was hard to take. Even though it was happy news, I felt deep sadness. This is what I wanted for myself....so badly. A few years back, I felt so happy and now....well the polar opposite. Even thinking about how I felt with this person in my life and the disappointment that it wasn't reciprocated, fills me with despondency more then anyone can know.  Its hard to accept something that you wished for...the days seem a bit darker. I ponder if this will ever lift....the black fog that seems to hover ominously over my life.

After finding this blog again, I decided I needed to possibly start writing again. It's been a silent 5-6 years since I have touched this keyboard and felt like doing some outward thinking. I haven't quite set pen to paper yet, but I'm sure it will be like riding the proverbial bike.

is there someone for me to love

.....where?

how can I explain the pain
how can they understand
they won’t
they cant

the lies continue
the deceptions remarkable
does this hurt them
as much as it’s

……….killing me inside

as I fall from grace
my soul disappears

my body to dust

no one would care….

………‘cause they don’t care now…..

I can't help but sit here at 2 a.m. on a Sunday morning and wonder why the hell I am doing just that?

Here I am...single, and I'm sitting at home in front of a damn computer writing in my blog.

WTF is wrong with this picture??

Everyone says "don't give up...don't stop looking...there is someone out there for you..."

...as each day goes by

..I'm doubting that more and more....


I'm sick of being alone

I stand on the edge of this great chasm
looking backward towards those I have left behind
those that have turned their backs on me
I kneel down and let the sand sift through
my fingers

throwing it to the wind
never looking back
at those who abandoned me
and never looking forward at those who will

I look down
and see a chasm of darkness

where my heart has taken refuge
its there I will escape

Stands Still

Time stands still when you cant breathe
I’d see your face
And my world would stop
You and you alone are all I need

Blueness of your eyes smile when they see me
The smile upon your face glows with every word you speak
Have you ever wanted someone so achingly that you crave just the sound of their voice
Their smile melts you into a thousand pieces

Time has started again
Reality has taken over

The love that was
Never was in the first place
And time really never did stand still to begin with